Just had to get this out... feeling down.

So my mom invited us over for dinner at her house, and she also invited some friends she wanted my sister and I to meet.  Dinner was delicious, so much so that I went up for seconds, even though as I was up there I was thinking “I shouldn’t be eating this, I’m going to be the only one eating seconds, just eat it and hope no one calls attention to it, hope no one notices.”  These are all thoughts that go through my head a lot of the times, especially when eating in front of others.  I’ve always had a weight issue all my life, and this morning my scale reminded me that I’m the heaviest that I’ve been in quite a number of years.  I was doing ok for a long while, holding steady, but then life got hectic or I got lazy or who knows what but now I’m pretty much out of control. 

So my second plate of food goes unnoticed, thank goodness.  Out comes dessert – round one.  I happily eat it, even though I’m full, and my scale told me this morning I clearly don’t eat it.  Everyone is preparing for dessert – round two – and my mom asks my sister if she wants coffee.  My sister replies that she is full, and doesn’t think she wants any.  My sister has always been the physical opposite of me, she has never had an uncontrollable appetite and she has always been able to listen to her body when it tells her to stop.  Earlier before dinner she and my 15 year old niece were fighting over who was going to get clothes… because they’re the same size.  My sister – after 3 kids… the youngest who isn’t even 1 yet. 

Once my sister says that she is full and doesn’t want coffee my mom says to her friends “that’s why she is how she is, so thin.  She eats a little and doesn’t overdo it.  Unlike somebody else…” cue the obvious pause.  I’m bending down playing with my nephew and instantly I feel all attention on me.  I heard the entire conversation but refused to react, except to say “Thanks, Ma” and then my thoughts go to “everyone is looking at me, I’m bent over playing with my nephew, my stomach is most certainly bulging out from me bending over, how can I suck it in without being obvious to not seem like as humungous a slob as I feel right now?”  These are real thoughts in my head in that split second.  My mom of course says “aw, honey, I didn’t mean it like that, I was just saying that you like to eat” or something like that – honestly I don’t remember because how can it get worse than this?  I can’t even look at her in the eye, I just smile and pretend all of this is not happening, just keep playing with the baby.  After a while the attention moves away from me, but not before everyone notices how uncomfortable I am with the whole situation. 

Immediately I fight the urge to just run – just get out – I don’t want to be there anymore.  Why would it ever be ok to say something like that?  Why do people think that we don’t know that we are overweight, that we have a problem?  Did my scale not remind me first thing in the morning?  Did the picture that my niece took on my phone of me not remind me?  Did the picture I took of myself earlier with my son not remind me? Why would it ever be ok to not only say something like that but to say it in front of people that I’m meeting for the first time? 

And the comment alone is bad enough, but it was made in comparison to my sister.  My sister that I’ve always felt like I’m in her beautiful shadow.  This perfect social butterfly with a million dollar smile and the size 3 pants, who I love to DEATH.  But I’d be lying if said I didn’t grow up comparing myself to her.  And all throughout life when I get down on myself people are preaching accept yourself for who you are, you need to love yourself for who you are, you’re beautiful, etc. yet the people that are supposed to be the safest still feel it’s ok to make comments like that in front of others.  How is that not supposed to crush me?  How is that not supposed to send me back YEARS and YEARS into that insecure, socially awkward fat girl in school that was sitting by herself at lunch in tears because she was so unhappy with herself and she felt that no matter where she turned she was being judged because of her looks???

I know my mom feels horrible for making me feel bad.  I know she’d never intentionally hurt me.  But I’ll be honest, her comment hurt.  And I cried on the way home.  And I’m crying now.